Sunday, July 29, 2012

Life changing decisions... part 1

Hi everyone!

I decided to start posting a "diary of sorts" regarding a life changing decision I recently made. I suppose this will really be for me to read, to help my stay focused, and to look back on in the future. But, I'd like to share my journey.  Just as a warning, I will be most likely sharing extremely personal details. I am not the first person to struggle with this issues/ decisions and certainly wont be the last. However, This is going to be my story, my thoughts, and what I've learned.  I do wish that if anyone would like to comment on these posts, please do so, however please keep them mature.

 So, here goes...

I have been overweight my entire life. I am currently morbidly obese. I HATE the term morbidly obese. I hate it, I'm ashamed to be it, and I'm tired of being it. For years I have attempted to do something about it. Ive tried diets and just gained more weight.  My father use to tell me that he thought it was his fault that I was overweight. He was a big guy most of his life. He would tell me "Brianne, if you were skinny, your life would be so different, you would be so beautiful." In fact, the last conversation I had with my father regarding my weight was in 2006 or 2007, my father was diabetic and I would drive him to dialysis. Before dropping him off, we would stop and get him a McDonald's happy meal. (**note, i would rarely get anything for myself- will go into this more later**) While waiting through the drive-through, my father said that he would pay for me to get lap-band surgery, yet again saying how beautiful I'd be if I just lost the weight. That i would have had such an easier childhood, high school years and boyfriends.. At that point in my life, I was embracing my size. I was okay with who I was and who I had grown to be. I snapped at my father, I told him "Dad, I think I am beautiful no matter how much I weigh, I'm a much stronger person for what Ive gone through in my life and I'm happy." I also told him that I have never had any problems dating men because of this either, something I never really talked about with my dad.  So, he finally listened to me and dropped the subject all together.  My father passed away on June 14th 2007 from complications due to being diabetic. I understand why my father would say things to me about my weight. I understand completely that he just didn't want me to be in pain like he was, he wasn't saying it to be mean. I suppose I understand this more now than back then, as then I mostly thought he was just ashamed and thought I was ugly.

**Id like to now point out now that while being overweight, Ive never really been a food gorger. I am by no means a saint but I love fruit and veggies. I RARELY drink anything but water, Ive been that way most of my life.**

So, embracing my size was fun for a while. But certain issues started bothering me. I stopped having a normal menstrual cycle when I was 15. I turned 33 last week and have had 4 periods since the age of 15.  I have seen a gynecologist about this, she never really explained whats happening and never said anything was wrong.  I always assumed it was the weight.   I married the love of my life in 2011, I was the one who asked him out back in 1999. He is not a "chubby chaser" he loves me for me, no matter what size.  After years of assuming that I just couldn't get pregnant and trying to keep my mindset in the "eh kids, who needs them" , my biological clock started ticking.  While feeling the clock tick away, Ive also started noticing that my knees hurt, my back is killing me, I can't walk very far without getting out of breath. Its even starting to get painful to shower and put clothes on.

On July 18th I decided to go to a seminar of weight loss surgery. Something that has been in my mind for years. Something that I just felt I would never do..I didn't want to be miserable the rest of my life.  But Ive finally realized that I might not have many years left if I don't do something about my weight.  The seminar changed my mind. I was able to listen to two people who have had surgeries and they are happy, healthy. I also learned that the chances of fertility are highly increased.

So, Dad, your wish has finally come true. I plan on getting roux en y gastric bypass surgery. I am doing this for myself. I am doing this to get healthy. To hopefully have many more birthdays. I am hoping to get the surgery in November.

An interesting bit of information is that I actually have to loose weight before getting the surgery. I am to TRY to loose 70 pounds before November.  Ive started a diet, recommended by a dietitian and I've started exercising.

Things Ive learned so far:

chew chew chew chew your food!! enjoy it. Ive learned really fast to enjoy my food. I honestly would jut bite and swallow. I really feel that my whole relationship with food has changed.

Do not drink anything before, during, or after your meal. In fact wait an hour after your meal. No fluids aids in healthy digestion.     Also, sip your water, don't gulp.

The amount of support I've received from my family and coworkers is amazing. My wonderful mother is so proud of me. She has always supported me and has never "told me what to do" she is a firm believer that you have to let people make their own decisions. I am so greatful to have her in my life.   My coworkers surprised me the most, I usually keep to myself but I thought Id share my decision. I got hugs and shopping trip offers when I loose my weight. Most importantly I have a coworker who has offered to walk around the building with me daily.

and exercise can actually be FUN (I cant not believe I just typed that)  Ive been exercising the past 5 days now and I have found that disco is the best music to work out to. I have learned some amazing ab exercises!

Speaking of exercising, I better get off my butt and listen to some Bee-Gee's

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Life changing decisions part 1 by Brianne Smith is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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x) Ruty said...

I'm so happy for you... I'm glad YOU made a decision. I know your father only wanted what was best 4 you but it's important that you choose what's coming!
I have a tendency to gain weight very easyly so I totally understand your situation. And I'm glad people around you is being very supportive, it's easier that way.
I'll be visiting your blog more often.


miki said...

I wish you all the best, i guess there will be harder times but remember that you aren't alone and you will succeed

Anonymous said...

I am so happy you've decided to change your life for better, and know what it's like after having from a binge-eating disorder for years. Changing my relationship with food and literally relearning how to eat was the first step.

I wish you all the best, and am behind you 100%.

Irene E. Jensen said...

Congratulations on your decision! Wish you all the best

Captain Biscuits said...

Good luck, I wish you all the best and look forward to following you on your journey!

Memoriesovertakingme said...

Thank you all so very very much for the encouraging words! I is wonderful to know I have so much support! working on part 2 now :)